**NOTE: After writing this I had some doubts as to whether to post this or not. I had a few people read it through. Some said no, but most said yes. I didn’t want to come off as whiney. I am so not that. I don’t like to whine and no one likes a whiner. Anyway, here goes.
Howdy y’all. Here goes another week and yet another blog. Funny how last week I struggled with coming up with a topic, and this week, it…well it came rather quickly, unfortunately. It’s been a rough week.
I happened to read another blog which addressed some things that spurred me to remember things that I’d rather not remember, but that wasn’t happening. It is like turning on a light and then trying to recapture that light. That isn’t possible, and neither was the rush of memories that came and hammered my head into submission.
What did I read you ask? It was about a young boy who was gay bashed in high school. I could relate. I was also. I also happened to get thrown into the dumpster next to the kitchen. Eeewww. But that was where the similarity ended. He somehow thought it was his fault. I never felt that way. Of course, being outted in the seventies was no picnic either. It was pretty rough there for a long time. Tires slashed. Locker painted pink. Another dumpster visit. A good ass kicking. Yeah, it was tough, but at no time did I think it was my fault. Never even crossed my mind.
I’m not saying that he wasn’t justified in his feelings. We each have our own way of dealing with the crap other people put us through. I felt very sad that he thought that way. Of course it wasn’t his fault. It was a bunch of insecure youths doing stuff that hopefully they will regret the rest of their lives. Oh, and trust me, they do. They have a huge amount of guilt, well most of them, for a very long time. Karma’s a bitch that way.
I also told a longtime friend, for the first time, of my sexual abuse. I think I mentioned it here briefly a long time ago. Well, only touched on it. It isn’t that I’m ashamed of it, or try to hide it. It was a long time ago and it happened and that’s kinda all she wrote. Not something I go back to remember. Why? It wasn’t pleasant. It isn’t something that pushes its way into my conscious. It…just happened. Move on, and I did. My friend gently pushed for details, so I told her. When I was 6 my parents divorced. My father knocked up my sister’s best friend and then married the girl. His third marriage. So he left us. He didn’t pay child support or alimony or the car payment. Things were tight for a while, but my mother trudged on. Anyway, I went to spend the summer with him when I was eleven.
He was doing the track circuit by that time, racing horses. He needed to take his horses and the ones that he was training to Montreal. We were currently in Maine. So he basically dumped me with these two college age guys, the sons of someone he knew, for two weeks. Yep, you guessed it. It was a long two weeks. In case I need to explain it to you; I was raped repeated during those two weeks. Orally and anally. The day he was supposed to pick me up he called and said that he wasn’t coming. That the two guys were going to take me to the airport and send me on home so I’d be sure to get there in time for school to start. They did take me to the airport. Of course there was one more ‘party time’ to be had first. I didn’t see my father again until I was sixteen, and that was the last time I saw him. I told him what had happened and he called me a liar. Yep, last time. Never saw him again.
Which leads to another thing that pissed me off: I found out that a father was willing to leave his family, destitute, for another woman. Some men are just pigs. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the mother has decided that her eldest son is to raise the youngest son. The father said okay. He wouldn’t fight for him. H just wanted him every other Christmas.
Sorry, but I came unglued. Wasn’t even willing to fight for his own son? Really? When will people realize that children are not disposable? Now, realize I think that this probably for the best, since the jerk has done what he has in the first place, but still. I can’t even wrap my head around that one. Just, okay. That’s fine? Yep. He didn’t even flinch I was told. I actually had to go and take a nitroglycerin pill my blood pressure shot up so high. I’m sorry, but that man needs to be neutered.
Then I get some more news that just made me see red. I blind Army Veteran is being put out of his mother’s house by the stepfather because he is gay. Right. Not so fast there. It gets better. Not so much because of that, but because this guy wasn’t willing to hand over every cent he had. Yeah, it came down to the money. Yeah, well, he is leaving and keeping his money. He will be much better off without having to deal with that dangling, bleeding hemorrhoid.
The topper to my week? Oh, yeah, there’s more. Told you it was a bad week. A friend of mine blatantly lied to my face. I can take all kinds of things. I really am a strong person. But when someone can so easily lie to me, and break that trust, then I’m pretty much done. Not only is that trust gone, but there is the hurt and that is far worse. For me, when I trust and love someone, I do it all the way. But when that is violated, it fucking hurts. I’ve already been through this once this summer, and then to have it happen again? Yeah, I’ve not been so pleasant to be around this week. I think this is why I’ve become such a recluse.
I honestly will give anyone just about anything they want if they truly need it. Hell, I’ve even given the shirt, coat and socks off my body for someone in the middle of winter! I really will try and help anyone who needs the help. However, they need to be willing to help themselves also. At least make the effort. I’m all for giving a hand up. I’m not going to do handouts.
Yes, I am strong. I never thought about it. Never had to. I take of myself and anyone else who needs me, as much as I can. But do not take advantage. I guess I take after my grandmother and my mother in that regard. My sister is the same way. We are strong individuals. We were a strong family. My sister and I are still very close. Actually, we scare my brother-in-law, which I find rather amusing. Just don’t try and fuck us over. I’m warning you, she’s red-headed and can shoot a twelve-gage from the hip!
Even with everything that has gone to shit this week, I am still optimistic. I will still go out and try and do something good for someone else. It is as much for me as it is for them. It makes me feel like I’m a better person. Who knows, maybe I’m earning Karma bonus points, like I get gas points at Winn Dixie!
There is a song that has been going through my head today, and I’m going to share it. Here is a link with Tennessee Ernest Ford, who I met as a youngster. There's another story for another time. I also found the sheet music. Maybe some of you will be able to sight read it or play it for yourselves. It was my grandmother’s favorite hymn and she told me that if I lived my life like this, everything would work out. I still believe her.
In case this link doesn't work.
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Here’s to a better week, y’all!
Sorry, no sexy picts this week.