“It’s all in the sauce.” – Fried Green TomatoesI wanted to write a letter, a letter that I’ve written more than a few times before. Some were sent but most were only seen by my eyes. It’s a letter that I wish someone had written to me. Yes, I needed this very same letter once upon a time. It was a brief time in my life, but it is one that might have moved things along a bit better, a bit quicker had I received it. Here is the letter…
My dear, dear friend; I’d like to thank you for you being you. You’re one of the most gracious ladies, a term I don’t use lightly, that I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. You light up a room when you walk in. Your smile, laughter and sense of humor are truly gifts which you selfishly give away time and time again. You’re one of the most intelligent and eloquent people I’ve met in sometime. You’re the type of person people, like myself, are drawn to like a magnet.
Ladies, like yourself, should be treated with respect and honor, like family heirlooms or fine crystal. When I see and witness anything other than that, I become very upset. This week, I have seen you mistreated, on several occasions and it hurts me. It hurts me because it hurts you and those around you as well, myself being one of them.
I understand the wish for everyone to just get along. I see the struggle of trying to maintain a calm and enjoyable environment, but there are times… at some point we all need to stop, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Examine the circumstance and dissect it and ask what the hell is going on.
This is where I’m going to take the bull by the horns. As it was told to me by someone both of us love dearly “—that’s why you’re kitchen and I’m management.” This is so very true. So, I’m going to just put it bluntly… your partner is a bully.
Bear with me for a bit longer, if you please…
I’m going with what I’ve personally seen, observed, witnessed and then heard. This person has slowly and methodically alienated you from friends and family. This is always the first step that often leads to domestic abuse and many times results in violence. I’ve seen it numerous times before in both straight and gay relationships. I’ve also been on the receiving end of this, so I know how it feels. How does it feel? It feels like you’re constantly trying to juggle situations so that everyone is happy. It’s a hard balancing act, which never seems to stop. It’s exhausting. Always pacifying the aggressor, making excuses, trying to hide the obvious misbehavior and bad manners. The feeling of wanting to crawl under the table and hide at times. Yes, I’ve been there. I do know. It feels like a broken record that will never end.
This type of person will bring you you’re coffee in bed, spontaneously bring you flowers and small gifts. Things that will keep you enamored, captivated and basically string you along. All the kinds of things you want in a partner. Things that make you think that they care, and in a way, in their own way, they probably do, but then they are also the abusive bully.
I have now witnessed the snide remarks this person makes when you’re not around. How disrespectful they are to those who, like you, are just trying to get along and do the best that they can while being as supportive as they can. I’ve now seen the wedge they are using to further drive away those who love and care for you. It is happening, make no mistake about it. It is happening.
Every one of us makes choices. Some good, some not so good and then some that are just plain bad. Heaven help me, because I’ve made a lot of bad ones and paid for it in the end. It’s like that old theory—“for every action there is a positive or negative reaction”. Yeah… I’ve had my butt kicked several times with this one. The point here is it is your choice. However, there are times when we need someone to tell us the truth, as much as we might not like it or agree with it.
I may be putting it too simplistically, but you are fast approaching a crossroads where you are going to have to make a choice. Staying with this person means that people are going to continue to pull away, distance themselves from you. It doesn’t mean that they love or care for you any less, it is just simply that they are tired of being on the receiving end of this bully. As I mentioned, people can and do make choices. No one wants to put up with that type of crap and eventually… they won’t.
If you have people, friends and family, who consistently tell you there is something wrong, at some point you need to pay attention. As hard as it may be, we all need a reality check. You may want this person to be the perfect one for you, the everlasting, undying love that we all want and crave, but… sometimes it just isn’t.
Who can you trust? Personally, I can count on one hand and have fingers left over of those I feel I can truly trust. Listen to those who are closest to you and will always have your back. In your heart of hearts, you will know what the best decision will be for you.
You know when people say it is a new chapter in your life when you make a major change? Yeah, I think of it as opening a whole new book. The world is your oyster. The possibilities are endless. Yada, yada, yada. The clichés are endless. Well guess what? It’s true! There is a great big world out there. There are some wonderful people and great adventures to be had.
I had a very good and close friend who is now gone. I miss her terribly. She married such a person and stayed with him for eighteen years. When she divorced him, she told people “I’ve just lost two-hundred and forty pounds!” They would look gobsmacked at her. “Really?” they would ask. “Yep, I finally kicked that bastard to the curb,” she’d say, smiling.
Afterwards, she led a full life. She traveled. She reconnected with friends, who had stopped coming around. Spent more time with her children and grandchildren, whom she’d become somewhat distanced from. She had a grand time. I was able to spend some very good quality time with her in her later years. She was happy and content with her life. We should all be so lucky, right?
So, my dear lady, I wish you all the best of luck and I want you to know, that I will always be your friend. I will always be there for you. I only wish you the best and brightest of futures.
Your devoted friend,
If you know of someone who might be in need of this letter, please feel free to forward, copy and paste or whatever you need to do. No one deserves to live in fear.